Adventures of Zach Brown and Sophia Primrose
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: British paranormal TV show host Zach Brown is at home in his Bristol apartment, when he is sent a strange device from Birmingham. Meanwhile, his longtime girlfriend and co-host Sophia Primrose is on her way to Derwentwater in the Lake District of England. She is shocked when she sees UFO's rising from the waters.


Note: A funny narrated free audiobook version of this story can be found on Youtube under the title "The Spy Who Talked to Me Through a Radio Transponder"

Ghost of Rod Serling: Enter the mind of Zach Brown, paranormal TV show host. Little does he know he's about to receive a device in the mail that will take him from being a speculative host to a full fledged believer...in the Twilight Zone.

Chapter 1: Bristol Apartment

Lightening flashed and thunder crashed. The air was ripe with mystery and intrigue, as a certain man known as Zach Brown made his way via motorcycle up to the entrance to his apartment, relinquishing his tight grip on the road as if trapping a ravenous beast in a cage. He marched towards the door to what would be his humble abode, if he wasn't renting. He flicked ashes from a dead cigarette into a spare tray atop a locker as he made his way upstairs to his room, key in tow. He unlocked the door and entered his room.

Zach sat on his couch watching the evening news in his Bristol apartment, drinking tea, while carelessly and ruthlessly smoking cigarettes. Zach was in his mid-thirties, possessed brown eyes, gray hair, and a very serious no-nonsense disposition, which did not fit him well, as he specialized in things that some not in the know would consider pure nonsense. He also said rather silly things at times but kept his cool no matter how ridiculous he sounded to others, much like many of his friends as well. He spoke with a thick yet indistinct British accent. His job was being a host of a paranormal TV show that attempted to find the true meanings behind the mysteries of the world. He slouched back on his couch, and turned off the TV when he heard a buzz from his cell phone.

"Hello. Yes? Listen, it won't work, time slot confliction. The damned BYZ network just called an hour ago," said Zach in his deep melodramatic voice.

He continued, "Well, the bloody arses said you could do the show on Thursdays, but-but-Agatha stop it! Stop it Agatha!" Zach's pet cat Agatha had just pounced on his lap and was nuzzling

up to the phone. "I guess I'll have to let you go, woman to attend to" CLICK! He pushed the end-call button, and that was that. He then let out a loud yawn.

"I'm feeling hungry, why do I crave fine caviar" pondered Zach. Then he got another call on his phone.

"Zach? Zach are you there? This is Sophia, Sophia Primrose!" yelled Sophia.

"Sophia, ah yes, I remember that name from somewhere" said Zach.

"Stop murmuring! You murmer so much, it's like your regular voice is nothing but murmuring" said Sophia, in an oddly caring comforting tone.

"Sorry then," murmured Zach. He stopped, and continued listening to what Sophia had to tell him.

"I feel positively pitchkettled, my recording equipment keeps failing, oh and did you order that device for the episode that airs tomorrow?" asked Sophia.

"Yes, yes, I did. It's right here with me, I haven't used it yet, radio transponder" said Zach.

"A bloody what? Radio transpondah, blimey what the hell is that? Are you sure that's what you got?" asked Sophia.

"Let me read here in the fine print-yes-radio transponder. That is most certainly what it is my dear" said Zach.

"A radio transponder, a radio transponder, you know not what powers you toy with Zach, you know not what powers you toy with," said Sophia.

"Well, the situation is relatively safe, I mean I haven't used it yet" replied Zach.

"That's good, that's good that you haven't used it yet Zachariah. That device is highly sensitive and it should only be used for experimental purposes" explained Sophia. She continued, "I don't want you getting me involved in some stupid Doctor Who James Bond crossover"

"Bond would not put up with Doctor Who. They're like night and day. Besides, look at what happened to Doctor No" said Zach.

"True, but irrelevant. Zach, my point is you must not use the transponder!" insisted Sophia.

"Yeah, well, it's here, right next to me. Had it shipped all the way from a place called Birmingham, so it better be good" said Zach.

"I live in Birmingham, Zach" said Sophia.

"Crikey what a coincidence" said Zach.

"Right, well, I'll get back to you in a jiffy just as soon as my bloody landlord stops telling me my payments are late when they're not" said Sophia.

"So, you gotta talk to your landlord now?" asked Zach.

"Sadly, Zach, sadly. I just got an email, I don't do that sort of thing, I speak to people. I'm going to give him a piece of organic crumpet toast from my mind" said

Sophia.

"I had crumpet toast once, but I don't remember what it tasted like" said Zach. "Those were the days"

"Is there any wine left at your place?" asked Sophia. She continued, "So that I can join the fun?"

"Um, no" replied Zach.

"Goodbye Zach," said Sophia.

"Sophia? Sophia? She's gone," said Zach. Zach's eyes began ever so slowly turning towards the box sitting directly next to him.

"Sophia didn't seem too keen on radio transponders, but the bossman said we all needed to test one out for the sake of the audience" thought Zach.

Zach figured the entire purpose was to debunk the idea of radio transponders but he wasn't sure. When he opened up the package he soon realized this thing was

far more than just a radio transponder. It was a full-fledged communication device that came with a shiny instruction manual. Zach began flipping through the manual.

HOW TO CONTACT TECH SUPPORT.

Put two double terminated quartz crystals in their proper containers. Turn on the device. Make sure it's in an area where there are no conflicting signals.

"No conflicting signals, that's rich. In today's world? I think I'll try this though, I mean I could theoretically disrupt the conflicting signals with the

separate doo-hickey that comes with it" thought Zach. He began fiddling with the device trying all sorts of different things, still hearing nothing but static.

"Why did I even bother trying this out? I knew it wouldn't work" he pondered. Zach decided to just go back to watching TV again but realized due to what he

had done the TV would not come on. He couldn't call his friend Sophia either. So he went back to bed.

Later...

Zach heard knocking on his door. He also heard a muffled voice shouting at him.

"How did you get that thing? Who gave you this thing?" said the voice. Zach, being groggy and foggy headed could barely respond.

"Just leave it on the table, Sophia" said Zach.

"This is not Sophia! Do I sound like a Sophia to you?" asked the voice.

"No, more like...General Montgomery from World War 2" said Zach.

"Exactly, just what I wanted to hear. Well, not really. How did you obtain this device? I promise I won't hurt you little man" said the voice. Zach got up,

went to his drawer, and removed his high calibur pistol from its plastic bag casing. With his weapon drawn, he slowly inched towards the door. Aspy through the keyhole, he saw nothing. To his shock, he saw no face at all. He opened the door. He looked down at the floor and saw a small orange being with two beedy black eyes and funky green hair. The orange being looked like it was made of transluscent jelly. Zach pointed his gun at the being.

"Give me one good reason not to make cranberry jello" said Zach.

"It's not thanksgiving, mate!" replied the being.

"Clever, I suppose. What are you here to tell me?" asked Zach.

"Hello, I've come to tell you some interesting news" said the little orange man.

"I'm all ears, I guess" said Zach, in his deep voice.

"Before we begin our comprehensive training, I must know, how should I address you?" asked the orange man.

"I won't give you my name unless you give me yours, poppycock pushing plumb puncher" replied Zach.

"My name, good sir, is Commander Wilson. Is your name Zach Brown? Am I saying it the wrong way? To whom am I speaking?" asked the orange man.

"How did you know my name? Also, I prefer putting my name in laymans terms for the uninitiated" said Zach.

"Oh? And how do you suggest I do that?" asked the orange man, now known to be Commander Wilson.

"You kind of just say my name really slowly like Z-a-a-ch B-r-o-w-n. And then once they're accustomed to that you release your vocal grip" said Zach.

"You sound insane. Are you insane?" asked Commander Wilson.

"You tell me tiny little orange bugger. I was being sarcastic since you kept asking me how I should be addressed. I'm not a lord for gods sake" said

Zach.

"Oh, well, good point I suppose. So you may be wondering how I came into your house" said Commander Wilson.

"I somehow got you here with the radio transponder. What exactly makes you a commander?" asked Zach.

"I commanded a batallion of ships in the Kalentalian Navy on Planet 309 in the Gamma system. Now I run a spy agency, and I always have ample time for new

recruits" explained Commander Wilson.

"Fine, what does your agency do?" asked Zach.

"We investigate strange happenings much like you do on your show, only we do it to dismantle those who would steal our technology and use it for twisted

purposes" explained Commander Wilson.

"Technology? Like the radio transponder? You built that thing?" asked Zach.

"My people built those things so that we could communicate with a wider array of beings. Seeing as they work so well, it's high time I got out of here.

But, just remember, if anyone asks you to go anywhere tomorrow, don't do it, it's dangerous" said Commander Wilson.

"I have ways of defending myself" said Zach.

"I know you do, but you see the place Sophia went to, there's this old house there everyone thinks its public it's private and there's ghosts and aliens and

all kinds of things in it that go bump in the night" said Wilson.

"Yeah well going bump in the night isn't always a bad thing, so bump on out of here you ruffian" said Zach. With dejected eyes, the being walked away and

disappeared. Suddenly, everything worked again, including the tv and the phone. Zach got a call from Sophia.

"Hello? Zach? This is Sophia Primrose!" said Sophia.

"Listen, Sophia, we can't do the show tomorrow, it isn't working out" said Zach.

"You're not doing the show tomorrow? Oh well, would you mind if I went on without you and hosted myself?" asked Sophia.

"Let me put it to you this way, the Lake District is very dangerous, the house on that island is government property, you could be shot dead" said Zach.

"Dangerous? These lemon biscuits I'm eating are delectable, Zach. I can't hear you!" said Sophia. She loved lemon cookies, a LOT, and ate them with gusto.

"I'm just tellin' yeh, as a friend, don't think your trip tomorrow is a sputtle of Earl Grey cuz it ain't. More like a zesty raspberry zinger tea, but

not in a good way" said Zach.

"You need bed rest, Zach. The show's tomorrow, if you don't catch a twelve thirty flight to the Lake District, I will catch one myself" said Sophia.

"Sophie, I've told you I don't fly, I don't drive, I'm what you'd call a motorcycle exclusive kind of guy" said Zach.

"It sure as hell isn't Sophie, it's Sophia. Yes, I remember, it's why I agreed to date you. I'm gonna just catch the flight myself then" replied Sophia.

"You'll catch one yourself?" asked Zach.

"Yes," said Sophia, dipping a lemon cookie in her Earl Grey. "I'll catch a flight myself and be out of Birmingham before you can say Truffle Pumpkin"

"Truffle Pumpkin!" said Zach. He continued, "There, I just said it"

"I can say it faster than you!" replied Sophia. "Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin"

"Two can play at this! Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin!" yelled Zach in a very serious determined no-nonsense tone.

"TRUFFLE PUMPKIN TO VENUS I WIN!" yelled Sophia in a high pitched tone.

"Sophia? Sophia? Are you gone? Aw, poodle pellets. I just hope I hallucinated that whole thing with the little orange guy!"

But then, Zach heard another voice.

"Go to the kitchen!" said the voice.

"Yes?" replied Zach.

"See that mixing bowl full of chocolate cream? Start mixing it, you'll start to see shapes and messages in the goop"

This was most certainly Zach's imagination.

THERE'S MORE IN CHAPTER 2! CLICK CHAPTER 2 NOW.

Zach sat on his couch watching the evening news in his Bristol apartment, drinking tea, while carelessly and ruthlessly smoking cigarettes. Zach was in his mid-thirties, possessed brown eyes, gray hair, and a very serious no-nonsense disposition, which did not fit him well, as he specialized in things that some not in the know would consider pure nonsense. He also said rather silly things at times but kept his cool no matter how ridiculous he sounded to others, much like many of his friends as well. He spoke with a thick yet indistinct British accent. His job was being a host of a paranormal TV show that attempted to find the true meanings behind the mysteries of the world. He slouched back on his couch, and turned off the TV when he heard a buzz from his cell phone.

"Hello. Yes? Listen, it won't work, time slot confliction. The damned BYZ network just called an hour ago," said Zach in his deep melodramatic voice.

He continued, "Well, the bloody arses said you could do the show on Thursdays, but-but-Agatha stop it! Stop it Agatha!" Zach's pet cat Agatha had just pounced on his lap and was nuzzling

up to the phone. "I guess I'll have to let you go, woman to attend to" CLICK! He pushed the end-call button, and that was that. He then let out a loud yawn.

"I'm feeling hungry, why do I crave fine caviar" pondered Zach. Then he got another call on his phone.

"Zach? Zach are you there? This is Sophia, Sophia Primrose!" yelled Sophia.

"Sophia, ah yes, I remember that name from somewhere" said Zach.

"Stop murmuring! You murmer so much, it's like your regular voice is nothing but murmuring" said Sophia, in an oddly caring comforting tone.

"Sorry then," murmured Zach. He stopped, and continued listening to what Sophia had to tell him.

"I feel positively pitchkettled, my recording equipment keeps failing, oh and did you order that device for the episode that airs tomorrow?" asked Sophia.

"Yes, yes, I did. It's right here with me, I haven't used it yet, radio transponder" said Zach.

"A bloody what? Radio transpondah, blimey what the hell is that? Are you sure that's what you got?" asked Sophia.

"Let me read here in the fine print-yes-radio transponder. That is most certainly what it is my dear" said Zach.

"A radio transponder, a radio transponder, you know not what powers you toy with Zach, you know not what powers you toy with," said Sophia.

"Well, the situation is relatively safe, I mean I haven't used it yet" replied Zach.

"That's good, that's good that you haven't used it yet Zachariah. That device is highly sensitive and it should only be used for experimental purposes" explained Sophia. She continued, "I don't want you getting me involved in some stupid Doctor Who James Bond crossover"

"Bond would not put up with Doctor Who. They're like night and day. Besides, look at what happened to Doctor No" said Zach.

"True, but irrelevant. Zach, my point is you must not use the transponder!" insisted Sophia.

"Yeah, well, it's here, right next to me. Had it shipped all the way from a place called Birmingham, so it better be good" said Zach.

"I live in Birmingham, Zach" said Sophia.

"Crikey what a coincidence" said Zach.

"Right, well, I'll get back to you in a jiffy just as soon as my bloody landlord stops telling me my payments are late when they're not" said Sophia.

"So, you gotta talk to your landlord now?" asked Zach.

"Sadly, Zach, sadly. I just got an email, I don't do that sort of thing, I speak to people. I'm going to give him a piece of organic crumpet toast from my mind" said

Sophia.

"I had crumpet toast once, but I don't remember what it tasted like" said Zach. "Those were the days"

"Is there any wine left at your place?" asked Sophia. She continued, "So that I can join the fun?"

"Um, no" replied Zach.

"Goodbye Zach," said Sophia.

"Sophia? Sophia? She's gone," said Zach. Zach's eyes began ever so slowly turning towards the box sitting directly next to him.

"Sophia didn't seem too keen on radio transponders, but the bossman said we all needed to test one out for the sake of the audience" thought Zach.

Zach figured the entire purpose was to debunk the idea of radio transponders but he wasn't sure. When he opened up the package he soon realized this thing was

far more than just a radio transponder. It was a full-fledged communication device that came with a shiny instruction manual. Zach began flipping through the manual.

HOW TO CONTACT TECH SUPPORT.

Put two double terminated quartz crystals in their proper containers. Turn on the device. Make sure it's in an area where there are no conflicting signals.

"No conflicting signals, that's rich. In today's world? I think I'll try this though, I mean I could theoretically disrupt the conflicting signals with the

separate doo-hickey that comes with it" thought Zach. He began fiddling with the device trying all sorts of different things, still hearing nothing but static.

"Why did I even bother trying this out? I knew it wouldn't work" he pondered. Zach decided to just go back to watching TV again but realized due to what he

had done the TV would not come on. He couldn't call his friend Sophia either. So he went back to bed.

Later...

Zach heard knocking on his door. He also heard a muffled voice shouting at him.

"How did you get that thing? Who gave you this thing?" said the voice. Zach, being groggy and foggy headed could barely respond.

"Just leave it on the table, Sophia" said Zach.

"This is not Sophia! Do I sound like a Sophia to you?" asked the voice.

"No, more like...General Montgomery from World War 2" said Zach.

"Exactly, just what I wanted to hear. Well, not really. How did you obtain this device? I promise I won't hurt you little man" said the voice. Zach got up,

went to his drawer, and removed his high calibur pistol from its plastic bag casing. With his weapon drawn, he slowly inched towards the door. Aspy through the keyhole, he saw nothing. To his shock, he saw no face at all. He opened the door. He looked down at the floor and saw a small orange being with two beedy black eyes and funky green hair. The orange being looked like it was made of transluscent jelly. Zach pointed his gun at the being.

"Give me one good reason not to make cranberry jello" said Zach.

"It's not thanksgiving, mate!" replied the being.

"Clever, I suppose. What are you here to tell me?" asked Zach.

"Hello, I've come to tell you some interesting news" said the little orange man.

"I'm all ears, I guess" said Zach, in his deep voice.

"Before we begin our comprehensive training, I must know, how should I address you?" asked the orange man.

"I won't give you my name unless you give me yours, poppycock pushing plumb puncher" replied Zach.

"My name, good sir, is Commander Wilson. Is your name Zach Brown? Am I saying it the wrong way? To whom am I speaking?" asked the orange man.

"How did you know my name? Also, I prefer putting my name in laymans terms for the uninitiated" said Zach.

"Oh? And how do you suggest I do that?" asked the orange man, now known to be Commander Wilson.

"You kind of just say my name really slowly like Z-a-a-ch B-r-o-w-n. And then once they're accustomed to that you release your vocal grip" said Zach.

"You sound insane. Are you insane?" asked Commander Wilson.

"You tell me tiny little orange bugger. I was being sarcastic since you kept asking me how I should be addressed. I'm not a lord for gods sake" said

Zach.

"Oh, well, good point I suppose. So you may be wondering how I came into your house" said Commander Wilson.

"I somehow got you here with the radio transponder. What exactly makes you a commander?" asked Zach.

"I commanded a batallion of ships in the Kalentalian Navy on Planet 309 in the Gamma system. Now I run a spy agency, and I always have ample time for new

recruits" explained Commander Wilson.

"Fine, what does your agency do?" asked Zach.

"We investigate strange happenings much like you do on your show, only we do it to dismantle those who would steal our technology and use it for twisted

purposes" explained Commander Wilson.

"Technology? Like the radio transponder? You built that thing?" asked Zach.

"My people built those things so that we could communicate with a wider array of beings. Seeing as they work so well, it's high time I got out of here.

But, just remember, if anyone asks you to go anywhere tomorrow, don't do it, it's dangerous" said Commander Wilson.

"I have ways of defending myself" said Zach.

"I know you do, but you see the place Sophia went to, there's this old house there everyone thinks its public it's private and there's ghosts and aliens and

all kinds of things in it that go bump in the night" said Wilson.

"Yeah well going bump in the night isn't always a bad thing, so bump on out of here you ruffian" said Zach. With dejected eyes, the being walked away and

disappeared. Suddenly, everything worked again, including the tv and the phone. Zach got a call from Sophia.

"Hello? Zach? This is Sophia Primrose!" said Sophia.

"Listen, Sophia, we can't do the show tomorrow, it isn't working out" said Zach.

"You're not doing the show tomorrow? Oh well, would you mind if I went on without you and hosted myself?" asked Sophia.

"Let me put it to you this way, the Lake District is very dangerous, the house on that island is government property, you could be shot dead" said Zach.

"Dangerous? These lemon biscuits I'm eating are delectable, Zach. I can't hear you!" said Sophia. She loved lemon cookies, a LOT, and ate them with gusto.

"I'm just tellin' yeh, as a friend, don't think your trip tomorrow is a sputtle of Earl Grey cuz it ain't. More like a zesty raspberry zinger tea, but

not in a good way" said Zach.

"You need bed rest, Zach. The show's tomorrow, if you don't catch a twelve thirty flight to the Lake District, I will catch one myself" said Sophia.

"Sophie, I've told you I don't fly, I don't drive, I'm what you'd call a motorcycle exclusive kind of guy" said Zach.

"It sure as hell isn't Sophie, it's Sophia. Yes, I remember, it's why I agreed to date you. I'm gonna just catch the flight myself then" replied Sophia.

"You'll catch one yourself?" asked Zach.

"Yes," said Sophia, dipping a lemon cookie in her Earl Grey. "I'll catch a flight myself and be out of Birmingham before you can say Truffle Pumpkin"

"Truffle Pumpkin!" said Zach. He continued, "There, I just said it"

"I can say it faster than you!" replied Sophia. "Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin"

"Two can play at this! Truffle pumpkin, truffle pumpkin!" yelled Zach in a very serious determined no-nonsense tone.

"TRUFFLE PUMPKIN TO VENUS I WIN!" yelled Sophia in a high pitched tone.

"Sophia? Sophia? Are you gone? Aw, poodle pellets. I just hope I hallucinated that whole thing with the little orange guy!"

But then, Zach heard another voice.

"Go to the kitchen!" said the voice.

"Yes?" replied Zach.

"See that mixing bowl full of chocolate cream? Start mixing it, you'll start to see shapes and messages in the goop"

This was most certainly Zach's imagination.

THERE'S MORE IN CHAPTER 2! CLICK CHAPTER 2 NOW.

Chapter 2: The Ghost Ship, the Island House, and the UFO's

A large formidable ship made its way boldly across the lake of Derwentwater in the Lake District National Park of north west England. The captain of the ship, Sophia Primrose and her co-hosts believed themselves to be on the cutting edge of rare footage of strange phenomena. Primrose was a beautiful lady, twenty nine years of age who possesed long blonde hair, cute innocent refreshing green eyes, and an exuberant smile. She was usually even more care-free in nature than Zach, which was odd, as she seemingly had more priorities. But today, she was worked up into a frenzy, as it was the filming of the season finale.

She could be hyper, vivacious, overly enthusiastic, and at times what others would call overbearing. But she also knew when to be serious and keep her crew in line with the things that had to be done for the show, her, and Zach. When hosting the show she wore a green boating uniform, making random salutes at her co-hosts, tossing lemon cookies into the air, sometimes not realizing she was being filmed. She sometimes was known to fashion her hair into two seperate braids, usually when Zach would co-host, but not today. Her co-hosts were known to laugh at her cell phone conversations with Zach, which were odd sometimes heated debates about things of trifle significance that made little sense. But today, Sophia was on her own.

"Man the life boats! Fire in the hole! Send everything we've got against it!" screamed Sophia, ringing the ship's bell.

"We're about to go live here in a bit so get real" said John, a slightly overweight co-host with brown hair and gray eyes.

"Ahh, look at that panoramic view. So brilliant and serene, it's like a dream," said Sophia, her eyes getting wider and teary.

"Sure sure sure" said John, walking away rolling his eyes. Sophia looked back at him, taking her attention away from the wheel for a second. "I saved you a lemon biscuit, John! I saved you a lemon-woah, okay what is this?" asked Sophia. Suddenly, large cyllindrical objects began rising from the waters. They appeared to be watching Sofia directly for a while, spun around in circles at insane speeds, split into multiples of themselves four times, and then one by one they shot into the skies at lightening speed. "I'm here live with our intrepid crew, hey, are we getting that?" asked Sophia.

"Getting what?" asked John.

"Ugh, you're not telling me you haven't set up the cameras yet are you?" squealed Sophia.

"Well, no actually we haven't. The camera equipment is all gone. I left it in the cargo hold and now I can't find it" said John.

"I'll find it!" said Sophia.

"You honestly think I couldn't find it? I was in the Royal Navy. You're gonna end up in the Root Beer Navy" said John.

Later...

Sophia came back, her suit dripping wet from root beer spilling on her.

"This is not funny," said Sophia, pulling a spare lemon cookie from her pocket depository of cookies and munching it viciously.

"Actually, you do look kind of funny" said John.

"Oh, I look funny cuz I eat lemon biscuits! I happen to like lemon biscuits very bloody much" said Sophia, devouring yet another one this time even more vigerously.

"I've seen enough" said John.

"Have you?" asked Sophia. She pulled John close to her face. "Have you ever seen me naked?"

"No, can't say I have, you toffy nosed tart" replied John.

"Well you can't, but you'd never have seen enough of me if you had. Only my future husband can, and him only. Now, what's all this about cameras?" asked Sophia.

"I'm serious, Capn' Sophia, we lost the equipment" said John. "We've lost the camera equipment, he says. How are we going to explain this to the BYZ? We're completely ducked, that's what we are, ducked!" said Sophia.

"Ducked? What does that mean?" asked John, confused. Sophia gave John a keen and suspicious expression, which slowly changed into raw anger.

"YES, DUCKED! We're ducked because we have no cameras, no show, and we're stuck in the middle of nowhere. I just saw three garbage receptables rise from the bottom of the ocean and fly away like speeding bullets, and you think we're not completely ducked? We're as ducked as someone who has to deliver messages to troops in a war with guns blazing and bombs bursting!" said Sophia.

"Actually, some of those people did quite well in World War One" said John.

"Oh, yes, like Adolf Hitler, paperboy extraordinaire. And look at what kind of monster he became. We're ducked okay, there's nothing that can save us now" said Sophia. Suddenly, the ship spiraled out of control and began heading towards an island as if being dragged in by a force unknown to humankind.

"Sophia? Sophia? I think we're completely ducked" said John.

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" replied Sophia.

"Why ducked though?" asked John.

"You should never swear. Makes the spirits living under the Cliffs of Dover very unhappy" explained Sophia.

Sophia and John went flying down onto the island, and that's when they realized where they were. Sophia brushed off her uniform, and began blowing on her hands incessantly.

"You can stop now" said John.

"I just want to make sure they're clean. Ah, now where in God's holy name are we? This looks like...ah, it is. It's that island I read about yesterday!"

said Sophia.

"What is this place?" asked John.

"Derwent Island Castle! This place used to be a wonderful home for alchemists to make delicious gooey chocolate-gold desserts, but sadly was seized by the Crown in the year 1539" said Sophia.

"What do you suppose is in that castle?" asked John. "Jesus only knows," said Sophia. John began flipping through a bible randomly.

"There doesn't appear to be any mention of this place by Jesus!" replied John. "Says here on this sign that this area is off limits to the public for only five days a year. No one's permitted entry at any other time!" said Sophia.

"Well then we probably shouldn't go in there" said John.

"Let me see, it says here on my phone that today is one of the few days people can go in. We'll go in but I'll call Zack first"

Later...

Zach flew to the Lake District after receiving the text that they were stranded. He left the radio transponder at home as he believed it too dangerous. He rented a boat and paddled his way to shore.

"What are you two doing here? I turn my back on you for one episode and you jump the shark completely" said Zack.

"We still haven't done that yet. Sophia keeps force feeding me lemon biscuits" said John.

"That's to keep fattening you up so I don't find you attractive! I keep telling you, I'm only attracted to Zach!" yelled Sophia.

"The hell is going on here? Are we permitted inside? Should we even be here?" asked Zach. Suddenly, a man came out of the house. It was a strange gray haired old man wearing a robe.

"Come inside, and tidy yourselves, delectable humans," said the strange man in a thick unknown accent. "We know exactly what you've seen" he murmored as he stuck his tongue out. The tongue was unusually long. He also had fangs. The man was apparently part-vampire. Suddenly another strange looking man, who looked like a brainless zombie corrected the other man, pointing out that guests needed a password.

"Ah, yes, a password. What is it?" asked the strange robed man.

"Je ne pense!" said Sophia, pointing at the robed man and winking.

"How did you know?" asked the man.

"Lucky guess. You guys look pretty stupid" said Sophia.

"Stupid? You british don't even know we meet here five days a year. You're the stupid ones!" said one of the robed men.

Inside, the leader of the cult began speaking to the trio of heroes:

"You all have seen the flying objects, you must all die now, for through my communications I have learned that Zach is in league with my arch nemesis.

I also know that he runs a spy agency, I have stolen the objects from his agency, as well as classified British government technology, and am attempting to use them to fly to Peru" said the man.

"Peru's gorgeous, I always wanted to go there. And South America, and Japan, oh and Israel is so cool!" said Sophia, beaming.

"Hold on mate, why do you want to go to Peru?" asked Zach.

"I want to fly there personally, in a UFO. There I will be accepted as the new king of the world for they shall view me as a god when I expose them to a sustenance the ancient alchemists created known as the Philosopher's Gold Mist. But it is a long process, first my agency plan to initialize 'holograms of boats' entering countries to convince said countries they are being attacked from China, Russia, wherever, it doesn't take much to convince someone they are under attack. Once war breaks out between the world powers, my people will be viewed as peace making gods when we arrive in spaceships from the sky. But, if the people and their leaders get out of hand, we will kill our admirers and sacrifice them to the true gods worshipped by all ancient rulers!" explained the creepy old man.

"Only thing I don't get is Peru. Why not Jerusalem?" said John.

Later...

In the house...

"Who does that technology belong to? Our government?" asked Zach.

"No, some does, but we have nothing to do with the government. We tried to get help from several international black ops organizations to help us overcome our condition and be normal, they all refused. We're in league with a spy agency from beyond, and you three are trespassers. We have ways of dealing with trespassers" said the old man, pulling out a gun and shooting a creepy manakin, causing it to fall to the floor. "Now do we understand each other?"

"Who are you, who do you work for and what is your name?" asked Zach pointing a gun at the man.

"It's not important, but if you must know, I am Richard Radclyffe, the true owner of this estate, and soon to be true owner of the entire world" said Richard. His goons began swarming up to the three friends. "The name is Brown. Zach Brown. Z-a-a-ach Br-o-w-n!" said Zach.

Zach began shooting all the men dead, one by one in cold blood, point-blank range, in a calculating but swift manner, while John and Sophia used martial arts to break the bones of the remaining minions. As their blue-ish green guts spilled all over the floors, Richard attempted to subdue Sophia and bite her,

but thankfully heroic Zach came to her aid by delivering a judo kick to his head, sending him flat on the ground.

Later...Richard was the only one left. Zach kicked Richard yet again in the skullcap, pointing a gun down at his face.

"Don't think I won't pull the trigger, I just killed all your men, mate, I won't flinch an eye. You're nothing special, you're a human just like us" said Zach.

"Kill me? For King and Country? God, Gold, and Glory? You really think you're doing the world a favor?" asked Richard.

"I'm doing the universe, a favor" said Zach, as he pulled the trigger. Suddenly, all the dead bodies dissapeared and became ghosts.

"I know exactly how to do this guys," said Sophia as she pulled out a radio transponder.

"I thought maybe you knew more about those things than you let on" said Zach.

"I'm the leader of the spy agency. So don't date me Zach it's unethical" said Sophia, trapping the spirits inside the box.

"You got them. You're serious, we can't see each other anymore? The romantic trip to Lancashire is cancelled? We can't have fun anymore?" asked Zach.

"I was just kidding, we've known each other long before I headed up this agency for aliens that communicate through radio transponders. Now, let's all go home and prepare for tomorrow night" said Sophia.

"We're going to do a real episode tomorrow night," explained Zach. "A typical episode in which we pretend to speculate about things we deal with on a routine basis but can't tell anyone the real truths cuz they'd think we're crazy" he added.

"Exactly, you hit it right on the nail, just like you always do! I love you Zach!" said Sophia, running up and hugging Zach as tightly as she could.

"I love you too Sophia" said Zach, hugging Sophia with a firm grip. They began kissing. "Hey, are you two going to keep hugging and kissing in a house of ill repute like this?" asked John. Zach and Sofia stopped hugging, and looked down at the floors,

embarressed. Then Zach posed a decent question.

"Why do I suddenly crave fine caviar yet again?" said Zach in a suave smooth distinctly British tone. Sophia posed yet another question.

"Zach, who the hell is Agitha?" asked Sophia.

NOTE: Chapter 3 is a preview of the next story.

THE END? No, to be continued, soon...


End file.
